


what your heart desires

by itsthechocopuff



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Alec doesn't let Magnus go to Asmodeous, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Caring Alec Lightwood, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff, M/M, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Panic Attacks, Self-Indulgent, Spoliers for S3E10, a bit too much, but - Freeform, he's just a bit slow in realising it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-16 04:29:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17542706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsthechocopuff/pseuds/itsthechocopuff
Summary: instead of letting Magnus go to Edom, Alec takes them both on holiday.this is a 'what could have happened if Alec hadn't let Magnus go to Edom' - alternatively: Alec Lightwood learns to be a bit more selfish and takes care of his boyfriend.





	what your heart desires

**Author's Note:**

> this is shamelessly self-indulgent, because 3x10 rubbed me the wrong way and i had to fix it. honestly, i love Alec, but he needs to appreciate Magnus a bit more, c'mon bby. 
> 
> so this was born. 
> 
> i... honestly have no other excuses. 
> 
> enjoy.

_"This pentagram isn’t for bringing my father topside. It’s for sending someone to Edom. In this case, me."_

 

“Absolutely not.”

The words were out of Alec’s mouth before he could stop them, and he wondered whether the expression on his face betrayed the sheer _terror_ that shot through him at the very idea.

He almost didn’t hear Magnus’ attempt at making light of the absolute insanity of the idea, his heart was pounding so loudly. But when he heard something about ‘cell-service’, he reasoned anger was a lot safer to express than the panic eating away at his heart.

“This isn’t _funny_!” he snapped, and Magnus seemed momentarily taken aback, before he grew serious.

“Would you prefer I act as terrified as I feel right now?” he asked instead, oddly flat, none of his usual flair and inflection. Alec was comforted by the fact that he wasn’t the only one trembling with terror, but Magnus trying to hide his fear made his heart twinge.

_He shouldn’t have to hide. He shouldn’t have to do this at all._

“This is insane.” Was what he managed to say instead, trying to get the words out past the lump in his throat.

When Magnus walked around the pentagram to come and stand an arms’-length away from him, Alec thought he might have changed his mind. He _hoped_ Magnus might have changed his mind.

But instead, the words that left his boyfriend’s mouth stung even more.

“Tell me Jace isn’t worth it.” Magnus said simply, and that was when Alec realised he’d failed.

Not just as Head of the Institute, not as a friend or a _parabatai_ , but failed with this. With Magnus. Failed the love of his life.

The resigned, almost bitterly smug expression in Magnus’ eyes hurt more than if the warlock had raised his voice at him again.

Magnus thought he knew what Alec would choose.

 _Alec_ thought he knew what he would choose.

_But no. No. Not this time._

Magnus was wrong.

Alec drew in a shuddering breath, trying to order the maelstrom of thoughts in his head into a coherent sentence. But Magnus must’ve taken his silence as proof and moved to turn away, a small, sardonic smile twisting the corner of his lips.

Alec’s arm shot out to grip his bicep before he could fully turn.

“He isn’t.” he managed at last, his voice raspy like he’d just woken up, but in reality, the lump in his throat had doubled in size.

He couldn’t breathe.

Magnus blinked slowly, caught off-guard.

“I’m sorry?” he asked, turning to face Alec fully once again.

“He isn’t. Jace. Jace isn’t. Worth this. Worth _you_.” Alec finally choked out, throat working desperately to swallow past the lump in his throat, the burning in his lungs, the tears stinging at the corners of his eyes.

“Alexander,” Magnus murmured, looking concerned, as if worried Alec had been possessed, “you’re talking about your _parabatai_.”

Alec huffed a laugh, gasping in a desperate breath. “I know. And I stand by what I said.”

They stared at each other in silence for a few seconds, neither knowing quite what to say.

“This is… new.” Magnus managed at last, still not looking fully convinced, as if worried Alec was playing a trick on him.

_If only._

“No kidding.” Alec gasped, and finally couldn’t stand it anymore. He stumbled into the living room and all but collapsed onto the sofa, putting his head between his knees and trying to breathe despite the vice-like pressure constricting his chest.

“ _Alexander_!”

Magnus was at his side in an instant, kneeling beside the couch, worried hands smoothing over his back, his arms, his hair, trying to comfort and help at once.

Panic attacks were nothing new for Alec, albeit it had been years since he’d last had one.

“Just… give me a minute.” He requested between shallow, gasping breaths, and let the comfort of Magnus’ presence calm his beating heart and slow his desperate breathing.

He hadn’t done it. Magnus was here. With him. Safe. Not in Edom.

A few minutes later, once his breathing was back under his control and his pulse no longer resembled that of a hummingbird’s, Alec reached out and blindly grabbed one of Magnus’ hands, wrapping both of his around it to ground himself. Then, he sat up and opened his eyes.

“Alexander?” Magnus asked quietly, as if afraid he’d spook if spoken to any louder, and Alec was seized by just how much he loved this man.

“I’m so sorry.” He apologised, meeting Magnus’ eyes and trying to convey just how apologetic he truly was. “I should’ve never even entertained the possibility of going to your father. I’m sorry.”

“You came to me to help save Jace. This was the only way I could think of. You hardly twisted my arm behind my back and bullied me into it, darling.” Magnus soothed him, smiling reassuringly, but for once, Alec was far from comforted by the expression.

“You’re not some fairy-tale djinn who I can come to with all my problems and expect a magical solution!” Alec exploded, visibly startling Magnus with his outburst.

“I’m…glad you don’t think that of me.” Magnus told him hesitantly, then rested his free hand over Alec’s own. “But my earlier offer still stands, Alexander.”

“As does my earlier response.” Alec snapped back, pulling Magnus’ hands closer to his chest, where his heart was still beating madly. “ _Absolutely not_.”

“But Jace-” Magnus began, but Alec untangled one of his hands and pushed his index finger against Magnus’ lips, a mirror of what Magnus had done to him all those month ago.

“Clary is incredible. So is Izzy. They’ll find a way. I can’t- I can’t lose you both.” Alec cut his boyfriend off, resolve firming with every word that left his mouth. "I just- I can't lose you, Magnus."

Magnus’ eyes glittered more than usual in the limited light of the evening, and Alec was struck by the realisation that the warlock was on the verge of tears.

“What are you saying, Alexander?” Magnus murmured, eyes trained on Alec’s, his voice so quiet Alec had to strain to hear him.

The desperate, drowning hope in his voice was the last push Alec needed.

“I’m saying I love you.” He told Magnus simply, and the rush he felt after saying those words was just as potent as the first time he’d said them, in front of the Institute after Valentine’s stunt with the Soul Sword.

“And,” he continued, hesitating only slightly, “if you’ll allow it, I’d also like to go away somewhere with you. I think you deserve a vacation after all this stress.”

Magnus frowned, and a few shimmering tears escaped his eyes and slid down his cheeks when he looked up at Alec.

“But… the Institute, the war-?”

“Izzy can take over. Or my mother. And the war will still be here when we get back.” Alec slid off the sofa and knelt on the floor, untangling their hold fully so he could cup Magnus’ face in both his hands. “I want to take care of my boyfriend. And, at the moment, that means getting him as far away from the pentagram in the other room as possible.”

At last, Magnus’ confusion cleared and he gasped softly, finally realising that Alec was being serious.

“A vacation?” he asked, still quiet, and Alec decided then and there that he hated this subdued version of Magnus.

So he smiled, and leaned forward to peck him lightly on the lips. “Yes. A week, maybe. To do and see whatever your heart desires.”

Magnus returned the smile, and more tears fell, but Alec just brushed them away with the pads of his thumbs, making soothing, incomprehensible noises.

“And what if what my heart desires is you?” Magnus murmured, leaning into the touch.

Alec’s heart skipped a beat and he couldn’t help leaning in for another kiss, this one deeper, more lingering that the last.

“Then you shall get me.” He said simply, letting his hands slide from Magnus’ face to his neck.

“And if I desire you, next to me, on a beach in Thailand?” Magnus checked again, and Alec chuckled, shuffling forward so he could rest his forehead against Magnus’.

“Then you shall get me, next to you, on a beach in Thailand.” He repeated, not dropping Magnus’ gaze until his boyfriend finally gave in and smiled.

“I love you, Alexander.”

“I love you, too.” Alec echoed, then let his own grin break out. “Now, take us to Thailand!”


End file.
